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JOURNEY OF REALIZATION… That Never Happened

PS: This is what she emailed me after she saw my post. Its her post on my blog! 

I love you so deeply,
I love you so much,
I love the sound of your voice,
And the way that we touch,

I love your warm smile,
And your kind, thoughtful way,
The joy that you bring,
To my life every day,

I love you today,
As I have from the start,
And I’ll love you forever,
With all of my heart.

Ever felt wind rushing through your hairs and really feeling it? I mean like really feeling the lightness of your body… feeling being part of the air itself? For those who haven’t been in love… love actually feels like that. You fly… without wings… you burst in ecstasy without having any good news… you burn in pain with no apparent logical reason. With me, I am not in love anymore. I am myself love.  Iam a feeling; I am an emotion… a sensation. My physical value has been defeated by my spiritual value and I have to live this way till I die.

Realization… I don’t like this word. People die… people kill themselves just because of this stupid word. Life change, fates alter…realizing that “I won’t be able to live without her” or “I lost everything and got bankrupt” or “Only if I had pursued that line”. What would go wrong if we don’t just realize and keep going on in life? As soon as our consciousness does its calculations and provides with an outcome, we soak ourselves in pool of regression, guilt and deterioration.

It all started when I met you this time. I hadn’t REALIZE it before that our comfort ability level matches to the extent that we didn’t even know we are meeting after ages and that we are meeting for the second time. How much thrilled I was with each passing minute of knowing you would be here any minute to pick me up. Why was I thrilled when I knew “he is a good friend” and we would have some fun roaming here and there? Little did I know that you weren’t just a friend and that I haven’t realized it yet. There you were, inside your car… just a reflective shadowy appearance of you meant a lot to me. As I stepped closer, I changed my mind zillion times of how to greet you. Should it be “hey there” or “I am soooo excited to see you”… no I shouldn’t sound desperate. Why do I want to make myself appear attractive and gorgeous to you? You are just a friend!!!

I smiled at you as I entered your car. The last thought in zillions was to let you greet me first. 5 seconds… 6 seconds… 7 seconds… 8 seconds… I started feeling so special sitting there. Is it the way you look at me? You make me feel special just by your aura. Omg, I am feeling thrilled like a newly teenage girl. As the car moved, so did the conversation. 27 seconds… 28 seconds… 29 seconds… you seem so familiar, so mine… so warm and welcoming.

2 days, a few hours of 2 days… not enough to be by your side. It’s not important what happened after we met or where we went or what we did. All that matters is that you were by my side all the time. All I remember is that you held my hand, you kissed it gently and you embraced me like a perfect gentle man. I loved being led by you, fighting with you on petty things, letting go what you didn’t want to do, pressurize you to have my way. Oh, it’s so fascinating how in little time I saw all your colors. I was in seventh sky, speechless and amazed when you told me how much you love me and that you want to spend rest of your life with me. Do you really feel that way or are you reading my heart out? I wanted to throw myself in your arms right at that moment but I couldn’t. You were not mine, you would never be mine. But I love you so much; I can do anything for you. That moment for me was like having a coal in one hand and ice cube in another, option is to throw one away.And I kept deciding which one hurts more. I sat there, burning and melting at the same time, unable to say anything.

All I remember is that I felt the strength in me which was never there. I wanted to conquer the world, I wanted to soar in skies, and I wanted to fly instead of walking. It’s all because you were by my side, your touch made me realize how much you meant to me and how much I dreaded the moment of getting apart from you. 5 minutes left… 4 minutes left… 3 minutes left… no, no, no, noooo, I don’t want to go… I don’t want to leave you. 15 hours and you are my everything… you are my asset… you are what I have earned out of being a good girl for 24 years. 2 minutes left… I wish I was that girl who could stop time. Can I actually skip my life and stay with you? Why on earth do we have to say farewell? When would I see you again? Should I tell you I love you more than anything or anyone? 1 minute left… this is not happening, this shouldn’t be this way… you should take me home… we should live together forever… in a small hut, 6 kids… you cut the logs… I cook and clean. 10 seconds left… how should I say my last words to you?

The car stopped. I looked at you. I didn’t have to say anything; your eyes said it all. We hugged… I didn’t want to end it. I wanted to stay in your arms forever. Can’t you feel I want you so much? Are you dumb or is it how things work… people can’t read your mind? If you could read my mind, you would have been drowning in strong tides of emotions. And when I got out of car… I felt strongly I have left something behind… what is it? What is that I have forgotten behind? It’s you sweet heart… and I didn’t forget you behind… I left you behind… you are mine and if you see logically, my things have to be with me… but you are not here with me… you are there, in another world, breathing in another air. It’s not easy to get up in the morning knowing you would never be mine. It’s not easy to visualize another woman near you, near you the way I want to be. You know what makes me happy? Your smell, oh God, your smell. You know what really makes me high? Your breath on my hand… when you hold it against your lips to kiss.

The only thing which I would keep asking nature is… why do we have to wash our hands? I would want to keep your smell in my hands… to keep feeling you beside me… keep holding you forever… feel the touch of your fingers in my fingers… look into your eyes till eternity… Why do we have to wash our hands?

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About vasef

Index finger discount lover, Procrastinator, Creator, Marketer for Digital start-ups, Strategizer, Wannabe Cricketer, Chatter

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